It’s been several years since my husband and I made a trip half way around the world to bring home our baby boy from Russia. As I look back at the beginning phase of the adoption process, I realize just how overwhelming, exciting, and stressful that time was. I felt like I was expericeing the emotions of a real pregnancy, except with tons and tons of paperwork. Our adoption did not take nine months like a traditional pregnancy; no, it took about a year and a half.
I was tired. But it was worth it. We have a strong, healthy and energetic little boy that loves life. However, I did have feelings that I experienced after we brought our little boy home that I did not expect. Women sometimes experience the baby blues after recently giving birth, but to experience the blues as an adoptive mom was unusual for me. I found myself unsure how to raise my son.
I felt disconnected at times. I wasn’t sure if I was truly bonding as a mommy should with her baby. I felt sad for this young girl that gave birth to him; yet, I felt joy that she did and made the ultimate decision to give him up for adoption. I found myself praying for her and asking God to give her peace. The first few months, I felt guilty because I did not give birth to him.
If I had, I would know how to deal with his cries and I would understand his behavior. I did not feel like a good mother. My biggest fear was that he would not love me. These were real feelings, and I had no idea what to do with them. I have two children that I gave birth to, and I never experienced such powerful emotions.
As the months went on, I remembered an awesome verse in 1 Samuel 2:27: “I asked the LORD to give me this child, and he has given me my request.”
I prayed for my little boy way before he was a born, and I have to believe that he felt his mommy’s love. I knew God was going to make sure of that. That verse helped me overcome my doubts and guilt. Now when I look at my son, I know he is totally mine. He looks just like his father and relishes in the love of his big sisters.
As for me and my little boy…well, let’s just say there is nothing like a mother and son bond. He melts my heart every time he smiles and shows off those double Russian dimples.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
– Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)
“Father, You knew my son before he was a twinkle in my eye. I thank You for the journey that You took me on to find this wonderful little boy that we love. We want to raise and bring him up to know You and Your love. Remind me that I too am fearfully and wonderfully made. I come to You today and thank You for…”
Spiritual Chick with Wings