After delivering my last child stillborn, I experienced the most excruciating pain in my heart. It is just not natural to labor, deliver, and not bring your child home with you. Nothing made sense about the entire situation, but I did find God’s comfort in the midst of my deep pain in knowing He was with me even when I didn’t feel His presence 100% of the time. That’s where my faith kicked in.
I felt so much love and support from my church family, but there was an emptiness that I couldn’t explain or fill. I went to work as a nurse after my two other kids started school because I didn’t want to sit a home and cry about being alone. I wasn’t going to let this destroy me, so I thought I’d help others who were grieving. It seemed that hurting people were the only ones that I could relate to.
Eventually, I ended up back at home alone after suffering a back/neck injury from lifting patients with my already frail back. However, I was finally able to face the silence and the loneliness. I heard an evangelist who lost his wife in an automobile accident say that he didn’t start dealing with his grief until he quit asking God “Why?” and started asking Him “What now?”
When I began to take my focus off of why Anna had to die and put it on what I needed to do now, God could work in my life. Our human minds often cannot comprehend and deal with the why. Asking why only led me further down the path of depression and blame. When I began to ask God what I needed to do now, I began to focus on the here and now. The biggest what now was my family. They were there all along needing me.
I had to give myself permission to shed a tear from time to time, but not to stay in the grief. When the tears slowed, I would thank God for keeping Anna safe in His arms and for keeping me alive to raise my other two children and to be a support to my husband. As I began to thank God for all of the blessings in my life, and really look hard for them, God lifted my spirit and comforted me. I find so much joy in the little things. I especially cherish and love the time I have with my family and friends.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
-Matthew 5:4 (NIV)
“Dear God, I thank You for Your promises and that You show no favoritism to Your children. What You do for one, You will do for another. I thank You that as You have shown me comfort, You will comfort my brothers and sisters in Christ. Let them know that You are with them and that they will laugh again. Fill them with Your peace and joy again. Refresh their hearts and minds and fill them with strength and courage to face each new day…”